They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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