so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
