i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
