Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
