I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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