Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
