dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
