My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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