i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
