is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
