The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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