see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
