You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
