As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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