I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Im part way to drunk.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
