he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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