You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
