yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
