So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
