Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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