Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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