You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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