Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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