Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
