in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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