I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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