Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
