I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
