Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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