It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
