She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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