So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
