I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
