I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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