yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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