I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
