I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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