I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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