please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
