it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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