I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
where are my eyebrows?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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