And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
