Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
