T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize