I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
