Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
