It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
