there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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