I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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