i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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